Sometimes I Don't Like Being A Rock ('06)

Sometimes I don’t like being a rock
It gets really rough at times
I have to stay calm and collective and put on s positive face
I am a calm, cool, positive person
But, sometimes I just want to break down and let it all out
All of the shit from my childhood to the present;
Life has not been easy
All of the hurt pain disappointment fear embarrassment
Anxiety worry and doubt that comes with being me
I sometimes wish that I could cry
I used to cry…and it would make me feel better
The release was therapeutic
I don’t cry anymore
I can honestly say that I can not recall the last time I cried…
It has been years
I could not even cry at my grandmother’s funeral
I held it in, not that I felt that there was anything wrong with crying at that time,
But it just would not come out
But I digress
Sometimes I don’t like being a rock
But I am the rock in my family
When things go wrong, when shit don’t work, when someone is ill, when money is short,
When bill collectors are calling for loot, when cars break down,
When we don’t have what we feel we should, when my wife is freaking the fuck out over
Any and all of the aforementioned…I am the rock
I am the one who knows that everything will work out (and I do know that)
I bring peace and calm to the storm
On the outside, I am one cool mutha fucka
On the inside, I sometimes feel like I’m going to explode
But I don’t, I just internalize and cope
I used to smoke a lot of herb to “help ease the pressure”
I found that smoking herb in those situations did not always help
I found myself smoking more and more
I could not get high enough
I would usually end up plunging into these depression driven herb binges
That would go on for days…
Or until the sacks were gone…
It was a good thing that no one knew, and I always pulled myself out of the funk
I guess I am lucky to have some kind of self-awareness alarm
The voice inside my head would start talking at the right time:
“Say…mutha fucka, don’t you think you smoked enough for now?
You been gett’in high every day for a week, most times you blow
two or three sweets a day. Get your shit together and deal with
your situations…Nigga you got people depending on you!”
I would go home and look into the eyes of my queen and my seeds and remember that I was a rock
Sometimes I don’t like being a rock
Sometimes it is hard as hell being a rock (pardon the pun)
But, if life were always easy would it be worth it?
And then I think about the alternative…
Fuck that shit, life is hard at times but I love it
In reality, this is what I was built for
This is part of what the old dude in the sky put me here for
I gotta be a rock or shit will fall apart…I will fall apart
Sometimes I don’t like being a rock
But, I am what I am…